There are levels to falling out with your neighbours.
Level one is avoiding eye contact over the bins.
Level two is aggressively cutting the hedge exactly along the property line.
Level three is putting a passive-aggressive message in the local Facebook group beginning:
"Not naming names, but SOME people..."
Florida, naturally, has unlocked level fucking twelve.
Police say a disagreement between neighbours in Leesburg over dog shit escalated into an alleged home intrusion, airborne faeces, a fist fight and one participant reportedly lifting a child's metal scooter above his head in a threatening manner.
At which point this stopped being a dispute over responsible pet ownership and became a deleted scene from Grand Theft Auto: Suburban Expansion Pack.
IT STARTED, AS GREAT CONFLICTS OFTEN DO, WITH A PILE OF SHIT
According to ClickOrlando, 35-year-old Trey Decloedt had been involved in an ongoing disagreement with neighbours concerning dog faeces.
The basic complaint was straightforward.
There was dog shit.
Decloedt believed his neighbours weren't dealing with it properly.
This is the point where most functioning adults select from one of society's approved responses:
Knock on the door
Send a message
Put up a small fence
Contact whoever manages the property
Mutter "fucking animals" while washing the driveway
What you generally don't do is begin collecting evidence with your bare hands and prepare for close-quarters combat.
But police allege that is roughly where proceedings went.
FOUR HOURS APPARENTLY BROKE THE PEACE PROCESS
Body-camera footage obtained by local media captured Decloedt explaining his frustration to deputies.
He said he'd complained to the neighbour's wife about dogs fouling his yard and had been told the mess would be picked up.
According to his account, four hours later it was still there.
Four hours.
Nelson Mandela spent 27 years in prison.
Decloedt reportedly got four hours into waiting for somebody to collect some dog shit and international diplomacy collapsed.
He told officers he moved the mess to the edge of the driveway.
So far, unpleasant but relatively ordinary.
Then everything appears to have gone spectacularly wrong.
POLICE SAY THE SHIT BECAME AIRBORNE
The neighbour gave deputies a different version of events.
According to the arrest allegations reported by ClickOrlando and The National Desk, Decloedt allegedly entered the neighbour's home while holding dog faeces.
Already, that's an entrance.
Nobody has ever improved the atmosphere of a room by bursting through the door carrying a fistful of Labrador output.
Police say he was angry, yelling and then threw the faeces, hitting the man.
Just process that for a second.
You wake up in the morning expecting a normal day.
Coffee.
Work.
Maybe mow the lawn.
Then before you know it, you're standing in your own house being attacked with a substance that began the day inside somebody else's dog.
There is no life insurance advert that prepares you for this.
AND THEN THE SCOOTER ENTERED THE STORY
The confrontation reportedly moved outside and became physical.
The neighbour alleged Decloedt struck him.
And this is where a story that was already comfortably inside Florida territory achieved full citizenship.
Police say Decloedt grabbed a child's metal scooter.
Not a baseball bat.
Not a tyre iron.
Not something anyone had sensibly brought to a fight.
A child's scooter.
The sort of thing normally seen abandoned horizontally across a pavement waiting to destroy a parent's ankle at 7.30am.
According to the allegations, he raised it above his head in what an affidavit described as a threatening posture.
Imagine being the child who owns it.
You leave your scooter outside for ten minutes.
Come back.
And suddenly it's Exhibit C.
"Mum, can I go on my scooter?"
"No darling, the police have it."
DECLoEDT DISPUTED HOW THE FIGHT STARTED
There are two accounts of how things reached this point, which matters because this is now a criminal case rather than merely the world's worst residents' association meeting.
Decloedt reportedly told deputies that the neighbour had contacted him and asked him to come over to discuss the dog mess.
He claimed the neighbour then shoved him in the doorway and that this triggered the fight.
He also said the neighbours previously had an understanding that allowed them to walk into each other's homes without knocking.
The neighbour disputed that and reportedly showed deputies a recording in which Decloedt had previously been told he was no longer welcome at the property in connection with the ongoing dispute.
So, to be clear:
these are allegations, and the competing versions will ultimately be for the legal process to sort out.
OutOut is merely here to observe that when your neighbour dispute requires investigators to establish whether a handful of dog shit crossed a legal property boundary before being launched at somebody, the barbecue invitation is probably cancelled.
POLICE ARRIVE AT THE WORLD'S WORST CRIME SCENE
When deputies arrived, reports say they observed a red mark on the neighbour's forehead and animal faeces outside the property.
That must have been a difficult radio update.
"Control, we've arrived."
"Nature of incident?"
"Neighbour dispute."
"Weapons?"
"Potentially a scooter."
"Anything else?"
"Yes."
"Go ahead."
"...shit."
There are days when joining the police probably seems exciting.
High-speed pursuits.
Major investigations.
Saving lives.
And then there are days when you're standing on someone's driveway photographing dog faeces for a felony case while a Paw Patrol scooter is being treated with the gravitas usually reserved for a shotgun.
THE CHARGES ARE RATHER MORE SERIOUS THAN THE STORY SOUNDS
Despite the ridiculous ingredients, the allegations themselves are serious.
Local reporting says Decloedt was charged with burglary with assault or battery, aggravated assault with a deadly weapon and simple battery.
Reports say he was released after posting bond and is due back in court.
Which is an important reminder that adding dog shit and a child's scooter to a confrontation does not somehow turn it into slapstick in the eyes of the criminal justice system.
Courts remain stubbornly humourless about assault.
Even when the evidence looks like the contents of a six-year-old's garden.
THERE WERE SO MANY OPPORTUNITIES TO STOP
Perhaps the most extraordinary part is how many exit ramps this story appears to contain.
See dog shit.
Stop.
Ask neighbour to collect it.
Stop.
Move it.
Stop.
Have an argument.
Still unpleasant, but stop.
Somehow, police allege, the situation continued through every available warning sign until somebody was holding a metal scooter over their head.
That's not losing your temper.
That's completing the entire anger-management skill tree.
At some point during this journey there must have been a fraction of a second when a functioning adult brain could have whispered:
"You are currently holding dog shit while arguing with your neighbour. Perhaps today has gone far enough."
Apparently not.
PROPERTY PRICES IN THE STREET ARE CURRENTLY BEING REASSESSED
Every estate agent describes neighbourhoods using the same language.
"Quiet residential location."
"Friendly community."
"Perfect for families."
Nobody writes:
"Occasional disagreements regarding pet waste may progress to scooter-based warfare."
But perhaps they should.
Imagine viewing the house next door.
"Lovely kitchen. South-facing garden. What's the neighbourhood like?"
"Very close-knit."
"Oh wonderful."
"Yes, sometimes extraordinarily close. Do you own a dog?"
"We do, actually."
"Get in the fucking car."
THE DOG IS SOMEHOW THE MOST INNOCENT PERSON INVOLVED
Lost amid all this is the animal whose bowel movement apparently set the wheels in motion.
Some dog squatted down.
Did its business.
Walked away.
And inadvertently created a multi-charge criminal case.
The dog doesn't know.
The dog is probably at home now chewing a tennis ball while detectives compile witness statements.
It has no concept of trespass law.
No understanding of neighbour relations.
No idea why its morning shit now has a case number.
And that's probably for the best.
FLORIDA HAS ONCE AGAIN DELIVERED
There are plenty of disputes between neighbours that end badly.
Parking spaces.
Noise.
Fences.
Trees.
Children.
Dogs.
But there is something almost artistically Florida about a disagreement beginning with uncollected faeces and allegedly progressing through thrown shit, a fist fight and an improvised scooter weapon.
It's as though everyone involved kept asking:
"Can this get more ridiculous?"
And Florida kept answering:
"Hold my beer."
The criminal allegations will now proceed through the courts, where the facts can be properly tested.
But whatever the eventual outcome, one lesson is already beyond reasonable doubt:
Pick up after your fucking dog.
Not merely because it's considerate.
Not merely because it's hygienic.
But because apparently, somewhere in Florida, that is all that stands between peaceful suburban life and a Razor scooter being entered into evidence.
Sources: ClickOrlando | The National Desk
