Medical science has given humanity some extraordinary breakthroughs.
Vaccines eliminated smallpox. Antibiotics transformed infectious disease. Anaesthesia allowed surgeons to stop relying on the traditional medical technique of giving somebody whisky and asking three large men to hold them down.
And yet there remains one area of preventative medicine that has somehow received considerably less NHS funding:
Going downstairs on your boyfriend.
According to various corners of the internet, performing oral sex on a man has been credited over the years with improving mood, reducing stress, helping sleep, strengthening relationships, providing nutrients and — if you venture particularly deep into Google — apparently giving the immune system something resembling a service.
This would obviously constitute the greatest medical discovery since penicillin.
So OutOut has investigated.
Men may wish to stop reading here and simply forward the headline to their partners.
Women should probably continue.
Because there are some terms and conditions.
CLAIM ONE: IT'S BASICALLY A MULTIVITAMIN
One of the internet's favourite arguments begins with the fact that semen contains various substances found elsewhere in the human body and diet.
There are proteins. Sugars including fructose. Minerals and other compounds are present too.
Which sounds extremely impressive until somebody asks how much.
The quantities involved are tiny.
This is the same logical manoeuvre as announcing that licking a postage stamp constitutes a carbohydrate-loading programme because technically there was some glue involved.
Medical reviews of the subject conclude there is no evidence that consuming semen provides meaningful nutritional health benefits.
So if your partner announces that she needs more protein, the scientifically responsible response remains:
Buy some chicken.
Nice try, gentlemen.
CLAIM TWO: IT CAN IMPROVE YOUR MOOD
This is where proceedings become unexpectedly interesting.
In 2002, researchers published a study with the wonderfully provocative title “Does semen have antidepressant properties?”
That is an actual scientific paper.
Somewhere, somebody successfully convinced an academic ethics process that humanity needed answers.
Researchers looked at sexually active female college students and found associations between condom use, sexual behaviour and reported depressive symptoms. The authors proposed the possibility that compounds within semen might have mood-related effects after vaginal exposure.
At which point approximately four billion men immediately attempted to close the scientific journal before anybody reached the next paragraph.
Because this was an observational association.
It did not demonstrate that semen treated depression. It couldn't eliminate all the other differences between the groups, and it certainly didn't establish oral sex as an antidepressant.
So please do not walk into the bedroom holding this article and announce:
“Doctor's orders.”
Your doctor has ordered absolutely nothing.
Your boyfriend has simply discovered PubMed.
CLAIM THREE: IT REDUCES STRESS
Now we're on firmer ground — although unfortunately not for the reason Dave from Accounts was hoping.
Sexual intimacy can promote relaxation, pleasure and bonding. Orgasms are associated with physiological changes involving chemicals such as oxytocin and endorphins, and enjoyable consensual sexual activity can certainly leave people feeling less stressed.
This means oral sex may make somebody feel good.
Scientists have heroically spent decades arriving at the conclusion that people sometimes enjoy sex.
Outstanding work.
The important distinction is that these benefits come from sexual pleasure, intimacy and orgasm, rather than there being some mysterious pharmaceutical property unique to performing oral sex on a penis.
In other words, your partner giving you oral sex might improve your mood.
But so might you returning the favour.
We appreciate this isn't the direction some readers hoped the research would take.
CLAIM FOUR: THE IMMUNE SYSTEM THING GETS WEIRD
And now we arrive at perhaps the most extraordinary genuine research behind the internet folklore.
Researchers have investigated whether exposure to a partner's seminal fluid before pregnancy might influence the maternal immune system's tolerance of paternal antigens.
One 2000 paper reported a correlation between oral sex involving semen exposure and a lower occurrence of pre-eclampsia, a serious pregnancy complication. The researchers proposed an immunological mechanism involving paternal antigens.
At this stage your husband has already taken a screenshot.
PUT THE PHONE DOWN, STEVE.
Subsequent evidence is much messier.
A later study specifically examining paternal seminal-fluid exposure found increasing vaginal exposure associated with lower odds of pre-eclampsia in its sample — but oral exposure was not associated with reduced risk.
A systematic review involving seven studies and more than 7,000 pregnancies subsequently found a complicated collection of associations around sperm exposure, cohabitation and pregnancy risk rather than evidence for some miraculous oral-sex prevention programme.
So there genuinely is reproductive-immunology research here.
But “scientists say blowjobs prevent pre-eclampsia” is approximately the same scientific interpretation as reading that exercise benefits cardiovascular health and concluding:
“Therefore trampolines cure heart attacks.”
Please don't.
CLAIM FIVE: IT HELPS YOU SLEEP
This one is beautifully straightforward.
Some people become sleepy after orgasm.
Sexual activity can be relaxing.
Therefore, if oral sex leads to orgasm, somebody may subsequently sleep rather well.
This has occasionally mutated online into the significantly more exciting claim that semen itself is a natural sleep aid.
Which is a bit like discovering that people frequently fall asleep after drinking tea and deciding the mug must contain anaesthetic.
The relaxing part is overwhelmingly better explained by sexual activity and orgasm.
There is currently no convincing reason to replace Horlicks.
CLAIM SIX: IT BURNS CALORIES
Technically?
Yes.
Moving burns energy.
So does vacuuming.
So does gardening.
So does walking downstairs to retrieve the takeaway you ordered because neither of you could be bothered cooking.
Sexual activity therefore uses calories, although the precise amount varies enormously according to duration, intensity, position and whether anybody is actually making an effort.
Describing oral sex as an exercise programme would nevertheless require a fairly heroic interpretation of the term “cardio.”
If your smartwatch suddenly congratulates you on completing a workout, perhaps keep that achievement private.
CLAIM SEVEN: IT'S GOOD FOR YOUR RELATIONSHIP
Finally, something genuinely sensible.
Enjoyable, wanted sexual intimacy can contribute to closeness, affection and relationship satisfaction.
That can include oral sex.
It can also include kissing, cuddling, intercourse, touching, massage and numerous other activities undertaken by two consenting adults who actually like each other.
The crucial scientific ingredient therefore appears not to be semen.
It's having a decent relationship and doing things both people enjoy.
Disappointingly, researchers have yet to discover a bodily fluid capable of compensating for somebody never emptying the dishwasher.
SO WHAT DOES ORAL SEX ACTUALLY CURE?
Here is the official OutOut medical summary.
Can it cure depression?
No.
Can it replace vitamins?
No.
Can it prevent disease?
Not on the evidence available.
Can it replace exercise?
Absolutely not, despite what your Fitbit says.
Can enjoyable consensual oral sex potentially improve somebody's mood, reduce stress, encourage intimacy and leave them feeling relaxed?
Of course.
Because it's sex.
And people rather famously enjoy sex.
The astonishing scientific breakthrough here is therefore that doing enjoyable things with somebody you fancy can make you feel good.
Nobel committee, prepare the paperwork.
ONE FINAL MEDICAL ANNOUNCEMENT
There is, unfortunately, another reason the NHS is unlikely to start prescribing oral sex.
Sexually transmitted infections can be passed through oral sexual contact, including gonorrhoea, herpes, syphilis and HPV. Barriers such as condoms can reduce that risk.
And although severe semen allergy is uncommon, allergic reactions to seminal plasma are also medically documented.
Which rather ruins our planned government campaign:
FIVE A DAY*
*Fruit and vegetables.
Nice try.
So by all means enjoy a healthy sex life.
Communicate.
Have fun.
Be affectionate.
Do whatever consenting adults mutually enjoy.
Just don't tell your partner that OutOut said performing oral sex is medically necessary.
Because we've checked.
It isn't.
Although we're reasonably confident somebody will send her only the first half of this article.
