There have traditionally been several methods available for stopping Erling Haaland.
Double-mark him.
Cut off the passing lanes.
Defend approximately 15 yards deeper than normal.
Pray.
And, if all else fails, perhaps grab hold of the enormous blond Viking mane disappearing towards goal at 22mph.
Unfortunately, option five has now been removed.
Manchester City's enormous Norwegian goal-processing machine has chopped off the long blond hair that became almost as recognisable as his finishing and replaced it with a close-cropped, military-style buzz cut.
Haaland unveiled the transformation just before City's new Premier League season began, explaining that he wanted a “fresh start” after the World Cup and had been thinking about cutting it for some time. He specifically requested a buzz cut resembling something military.
This should have been a reasonably ordinary grooming decision.
It has instead become an international sporting emergency.
THE VIKING HAS LEFT THE BUILDING
For several seasons Haaland's appearance has followed a simple formula.
Six-foot-four.
Blond ponytail.
Built roughly like somebody attempted to manufacture a centre-forward using parts left over from a Scandinavian longship.
During this summer's World Cup, the hair became particularly famous as Haaland helped Norway reach the quarter-finals and scored seven goals. Sky and ITV report that his social following exploded during the tournament, with more than 32 million additional Instagram followers.
Then, immediately before returning to Premier League football, he decided:
Enough Viking.
The ponytail came off.
Then more came off.
Then the clippers arrived.
By the end, the footballer who once looked capable of invading Northumbria before lunch looked as though he'd been told to report for basic training at 0600.
Haaland posted:
“New season, new trim.”
The internet reacted with the composure we have come to expect from it.
There was none.
ZLATAN HAD ALREADY WARNED HIM
The greatest subplot involves Zlatan Ibrahimović.
According to Haaland, Zlatan had previously given him a critically important piece of sporting wisdom:
Never cut the hair.
Why?
Because his strength was apparently in it.
This is not conventional sports science.
Manchester City's performance department probably doesn't have a Ponytail Retention Unit.
But Haaland remembered the warning.
After getting the haircut, he FaceTimed Zlatan to reveal what he had done.
Zlatan stared at him.
Then delivered the sort of supportive response only an old football friend can provide:
“You lost a bet or what?”
He subsequently told Haaland to block him and erase his number, before wondering whether having less hair might at least make him faster.
Forget Premier League tactical analysis.
This is the content football has been missing.
JACK GREALISH WAS EQUALLY SUPPORTIVE
Haaland also video-called Jack Grealish.
Another sensible move.
When you've dramatically changed your appearance and need emotional reassurance, always contact a professional footballer.
Grealish's verdict?
Haaland apparently looked about 10 years old.
Perfect.
One of the most physically terrifying centre-forwards football has ever produced has gone from Norse God to somebody whose mum is waiting in the car outside soft play.
No notes.
Former City boss Pep Guardiola was also shown the new haircut.
Pep approached matters from the perspective of a man who has been excluded from this particular debate for several decades.
His reaction was essentially:
You're lucky you've got hair to cut.
Finally somebody discussing the real victim.
HIS GIRLFRIEND THOUGHT SHE MIGHT CRY
Haaland's girlfriend Isabel Haugseng Johansen was present for the haircut.
Before the full transformation, she suggested she might cry.
This seems reasonable.
Imagine going out with Thor and discovering halfway through Sunday morning that he's decided to become Action Man.
Once the transformation was complete, however, she approved.
Her final verdict included “cute” and “tough”.
Which is reassuring because those are presumably the two qualities Manchester City's recruitment department requested when spending £51 million on a striker.
Cute.
Tough.
Scores 40 goals.
Perfect.
THEN THE INTERNET ARRIVED
And this is where the haircut stopped being a haircut.
Haaland's TikTok reveal had reached a reported 42.7 million views and 6.6 million likes by 24 August.
His longer YouTube haircut video had passed 2.8 million views.
People begged him to put the hair back.
Others asked whether the entire thing was AI.
One particularly distressed supporter reportedly announced they would need to call in sick to work while they adjusted emotionally to the development.
This is an important reminder that human beings remain a serious species.
Meanwhile, footballers including Jude Bellingham and Vinícius Júnior joined the reaction pile-on as the images spread globally.
Haaland has essentially achieved what footballers normally require a hat-trick to accomplish.
Except this time he sat in a chair and somebody switched on some Wahl clippers.
BUT THEN CAME THE SAMSON TEST
Unfortunately, once Zlatan has told you your strength lives in your hair, there is only one thing you absolutely must do immediately afterwards:
Score.
Haaland therefore entered Manchester City's Premier League opener against Bournemouth under unprecedented follicular pressure.
He didn't score.
Oh dear.
City actually trailed for most of the match before Marc Guéhi equalised late and Joško Gvardiol produced a stoppage-time winner to rescue a 2–1 victory.
Haaland had opportunities but couldn't find the net.
Zlatan is presumably now sitting somewhere in Sweden whispering:
I told you.
Obviously this proves absolutely nothing.
There is no credible evidence linking hair length with expected goals.
Mo Salah hasn't been maintaining those curls because Liverpool's analytics department discovered follicles increase shot conversion.
But football is not going to allow facts to ruin this.
For the foreseeable future, every Haaland miss will be followed by somebody posting an old photograph of the ponytail.
This is simply how sport works.
HAALAND HAS ACTUALLY GONE FULL SOCIAL-MEDIA STAR
There is another interesting element underneath all the jokes.
Haaland's profile has changed dramatically.
He's obviously been one of world football's biggest players for years, but during the World Cup his slightly oddball personality became a much bigger part of the attraction.
The hair.
The celebrations.
His friendship with Jude Bellingham.
His videos.
His remarkably relaxed approach to behaving like one of the most famous athletes on Earth.
The haircut video itself runs for nearly seven minutes.
This isn't merely a footballer allowing a photographer to take a before-and-after picture.
It's content.
The world's most efficient goalscorer has apparently discovered vlogging.
God help the influencers.
AND THERE IS A PARTICULARLY NICE IRONY
Only weeks earlier, a video resurfaced showing Haaland sending a supportive message to a young Brazilian fan reportedly being bullied because he wore his hair long in imitation of the Norwegian.
Haaland's advice then?
Long hair is great.
Ignore everybody.
Keep it.
Excellent advice.
Haaland has now personally ignored the first part.
Presumably the updated guidance is:
Long hair is brilliant. Unless you've got pre-season Monday morning.
SO HAS HAALAND ACTUALLY LOST HIS POWER?
Probably not.
He's still Erling Haaland.
Removing approximately half a kilogram of Scandinavian hair has not altered the fact that he is an enormous professional striker who has spent years treating Premier League centre-backs like furniture.
If anything, there is now less aerodynamic drag.
Zlatan may accidentally have created an even faster version.
Premier League defenders should therefore avoid celebrating.
Previously, when Haaland accelerated beyond you, there was at least a ponytail disappearing into the distance.
Now?
Nothing.
Just a buzz cut.
A No.9 shirt.
And the increasingly familiar sight of your defensive line reconsidering its career choices.
The Viking is gone.
The problem remains.
